It’s not easy to write about this and avoid what seems a bit like cliché auto fill. Adolescence, as a life stage, has been presenting major challenges for parents, as well as other involved adults, and let’s not forget the adolescents themselves, since at least the beginning of the modern age. In 1904 psychologist G. Stanley Hall famously coined the term "sturm and drang" (storm and stress) to describe the turmoil that often characterizes this period of life.
Beyond the historical literature on the hurdles of adolescence however, and more to the point of our current dilemmas, are the very real conditions that make the challenges teens face today more stressful and complex, and the pitfalls greater and more costly. The stakes simply feel much higher and this in turn "ups the ante" for parents.
It is no surprise therefore that therapists are frequently engaged when parents feel they are at an impasse, the relationship is deteriorating into constant conflict, or the needs of the adolescent are overwhelming their coping skills and the supportive efforts of their parents.
As I prepared to write this I considered many factors, including the implications of the explosion of social media, the bleak economic and employment forecasts for the current youth generation, the highly competitive and expensive college reality, and the statistics on risk-taking behaviors and depression in adolescence. I thought to begin with a search of the professional literature for the most current research on adolescent development.
However what I decided to do instead was to reread The Catcher in the Rye (J.D. Salinger). I was taken by the thought that as parents we have strong beliefs about what adolescents need to do today to set a successful life course; so how does this book, as recommended if not required reading, have a place with that purpose? How do we anticipate teens will be affected by it? What do we expect them to learn? (And what might I learn from rereading it?)
What I found was a vivid and timeless account of a desperate adolescent, unhinged and depressed, struggling with loneliness and alienation, grief for his deceased younger brother , the loss of innocence, and difficulty reconciling his idealism and decency with the cruelty, hypocrisy, and insincerity of so many of the peers and adults in his life.
At age 16, after failing at (another) boarding school the protagonist/narrator, Holden Caulfield, abruptly escapes the school and spends a couple of days in NYC, avoiding going home to face the disappointment and wrath of his parents. As he travels the city, drinking in bars, smoking cigarettes, once engaging a prostitute, he is reaching out for help, from friends, strangers, mentors, and even his young sister. Death is on his mind and more than once he considers suicide.
The story ends with Holden in a psychiatric rehab facility, presumably building the strength to push on. His parents arranged for the necessary intervention. Holden is of course a fictional character, but this chronicle of his struggles rings true to the emotional pain that too many of our children are experiencing today.
To me the book, most importantly, reinforces the urgency of maintaining vigilance to the inner lives of our teenage children. This involves paying close attention to their often unexpressed struggles and stressors, their longings and disappointments, as well as their perspective on personal successes.
The U.S. Department of Health and Human Services Centers for Disease Control and Prevention conducts surveys of "Youth Risk Behavior" by phone interviews every two years with a sample of high school students throughout the country. The survey covers a range of behaviors including for example: wearing a bicycle helmet, texting while driving, tobacco, alcohol, and other drug use, sexual activity, bullying, diet and exercise habits, and feelings of depression. The statistics are broken out by sex, race/ethnicity, and geographic location.
Regarding sadness/depression the most recent findings, show minimal statistical change over the past 20 years, but the numbers are nonetheless stunning. Nationally 28.5% of teens, grades 9 to 12, responded that they "Felt so sad or hopeless almost every day for two or more weeks in a row that they stopped doing some usual activities." 15.8% "seriously considered attempting suicide." 12.8% "made a plan about how they would attempt suicide," and 7.8% "attempted suicide one or more times."
These numbers apply, with minimal variations, to all socio/economic groups throughout the country. Clearly we need to be mindful of the emotional health of our children as they navigate this exciting, but often overwhelming life stage.
Parents initiate psychotherapy for their adolescent children for a variety of reasons. Chief among them in my experience is a deep concern, sometimes bordering on panic, that their teenager is not responding to their efforts to motivate and guide them toward the academic achievement necessary now for a successful future.
Interestingly, The Catcher in the Rye offers insight on this as well. At the beginning of the story, as he is flunking out of yet another boarding school, Holden does not blame anyone but himself. He narrates: "They kicked me out...on account of I was flunking four subjects and not applying myself and all. They gave me frequent warnings to start applying myself – especially around mid-terms when my parents came up for a conference..."
At the end of the story, when Holden is 17 and recovering in the psychiatric rehab, he states: "A lot of people, especially this one psychoanalyst guy they have here, keeps asking me if I’m going to apply myself when I go back to school next September. It’s such a stupid question, in my opinion. I mean how do you know what you’re going to do till you do it? The answer is, you don’t. I think I am, but how do I know? I swear it’s a stupid question."
It would be difficult, if not futile or counterproductive, to argue this point with Holden, but the reality is not that discouraging either. Research over recent decades has deepened our understanding of what motivates (and demotivates) people, including specific parental strategies that foster a durable intrinsic motivation, and those that have a dampening effect.
Much of this research was popularized in the 2009 book Drive by Daniel H. Pink. I won’t try to summarize this book but just include a few relevant points. The book emphasizes the overwhelming body of research that demonstrates that tangible rewards offered for completing a task may have a strong positive short-term effect (extrinsic motivation) but they diminish a person’s internal drive (intrinsic motivation). They turn play into work. Rather than engage in activities for their inherent satisfaction, people are conditioned to see the activity as a means to an end – the reward. Mr. Pink clarifies that this is not true of all rewards for achievement but specifically for "if-then" rewards, where the payoff is known prior to be contingent on completing the task. This instills the belief that there is no value in doing the task unless the reward is provided.
When I reflect on intrinsic motivation I recall a personal experience from when I was in the 6th or 7th grade, which clarifies the term for me. In class one day we all filed up to the teacher’s desk and picked up our graded spelling/vocabulary tests and I remember walking back to my desk as I looked at the "C" on the paper. I thought to myself, with some regret for my lack of preparation, "I am not a C student." In part due to my status as one of seven close-in-age siblings, I knew my parents would never see this test result. However this was a memorable experience because for me it was the birth of a clear recognition of my intrinsic motivation.
By contrast I now work with many older adolescents whose primary motivation regarding academics is stuck in what I see as a transitional phase of not wanting to disappoint their parents. This can look like a form of internal motivation, and is more mature certainly than simply being motivated by tangible rewards, but it is ineffective in meeting the demands of a high school/college preparation program and can result in a damaging self-concept. Part of my work with these clients is to help them form a healthy, independent sense of self, and underscore for them a discrepancy between their own aspirations and their performance, in order to stimulate intrinsic motivation.
In his book Mr. Pink proposes that as a culture we need to move to a "new operating system;" one that embraces Self Determination Theory. This theory he writes "begins with a notion of universal human needs, It argues that we have three innate psychological needs – competence, autonomy, and relatedness. When those needs are satisfied, we’re motivated, productive, and happy. When they’re thwarted, our motivation, productivity, and happiness plummet."
Another book – The Psychology of Parental Control - How Well-Meant Parenting Backfires by psychologist Wendy S. Grolnick (2003) has its roots in the same research as Drive. It is a more academic work that covers the issue of motivating adolescents in great depth. Dr. Grolnick reviews the early research on human motivation as well as her own recent research, and also helpfully includes her experiences as a parent. I’ll provide some highlights here.
Dr. Grolnick begins with a review of the classic typology of Patterns of Child Rearing (developed by Diana Baumrind) which outlines Authoritarian, Authoritative, and Permissive styles. She affirms the effectiveness of an Authoritative style, which, similar to Authoritarian, and in contrast to Permissive, involves making appropriate demands and enforcing rules. Similar to Permissive and in contrast to Authoritarian styles however, the Authoritative approach "encourages individuality and give and take" with children. Dr. Grolnick develops this further to make a compelling, research based case for avoiding overly controlling parental behavior and implementing "autonomy supportive" strategies. Moreover she suggests that "autonomy support facilitates not only motivation but also feelings of closeness and relatedness" between parents and their children.
Through autonomy supportive parenting, Dr. Grolnick writes, parents "can maintain high standards, specify clear rules, and follow them through in a manner that respects children’s viewpoints, minimizes pressure, and values children’s input." It also allows children to take responsibility for their own behavior and withstand the consequences of their mistakes.
Dr. Grolnick concludes that controlling parenting, on the other hand, "has been associated with lower levels of intrinsic motivation, less internalization of values and morals, poorer self-regulation, and higher levels of negative self-related affects."
Recently I worked with an adolescent who had been embroiled in conflicts at home and in his school environment and was struggling with issues including developing an age-appropriate level of autonomy. He had been hospitalized for a couple of weeks due to suicidal ideation and eventually returned to me for continuing psychotherapy. In reviewing his time in the hospital I asked him why at one point he refused visits from his parents. His answer was immediate: "I thought they hated me," due to all the disruptions his troubles had caused. This sharply highlights for me the importance of the issues discussed here, including the overriding need to convey unconditional love to our children. We can push for them to achieve at their full potential but we need to be careful to avoid communicating that our love is contingent on the level of their response.
In her book Dr. Grolnick makes a very strong and well-supported case for close parental involvement in the lives of our children and describes her own challenges with maintaining a high level of engagement while trying to avoid controlling behaviors. She fully recognizes and elaborates on the complexity of this.
This brings us to a related issue explored by Dr. Grolnick which is the danger of unchecked "ego-involvement" on the part of parents. This involves the often intense feeling that our children’s performance, their achievements and failures, is tied to our self-concept, as individuals and parents.
To sort this out I’ll suggest a two-part question. That is: what do we really want for our children; and what do we want from them, more to satisfy our own needs? Answering this may help us maintain clear, well-targeted priorities and a balanced perspective, as we guide our children through the perils of this life stage.
And finally, I'll return to my question about the expected impact of reading Catcher in the Rye for teens today. The book certainly offers them a timelessly compelling and insightful portrayal of a possible soul-mate, and it is a thoroughly enjoyable story. But a fresh read of the book may be even more rewarding for parents, in sharpening our appreciation and patience for the challenges our adolescents are grappling with.
(If you would like to comment on this article please email me at: mark@doddserver.com )